Sniper Buddies
by cdghuntermco
Summary: Follow Shepard, Ashley, and Garrus through a series of non-canonical one-shots where they get into ludicrous situations and generally just give each other a hard time.
1. On the Rocks

_Pre-Author's Note: Introducing the Sniper Buddies! This will be a bunch of non-canonical mini chapters involving Shepard, Garrus, and Ashley as they get into ludicrous situations and generally just give each other a hard time._

Mass Effect is owned and operated by Bioware and Electronic Bart Simpson

Sniper Buddies – On the Rocks

* * *

Ashley checked herself over one more time in the mirror in the girl's restroom. She'd never been one to worry over her vanity, but she still wanted to make sure she looked nice if they were going out for drinks.

Although their business on Noveria was over with, the_ Normandy_ was still stuck in port for some time because of the station's cloistering bureaucratic regulations. Since they had some time to kill, Shepard asked her if she wanted to check out the local bar with him and Garrus.

Ash took her hair out of its usual bun and tied it up into a more fashionable pony tail. She'd dug out the pair of blue jeans and casual shirt she'd bought on the Citadel just in case she needed something less formal than her BDU's. And since it was likely going to be chilly in the docking area, she borrowed a light jacket from Montreal.

Satisfied her makeup was touched up just enough, Ash exited the bathroom and made her way up the stairs to the CIC. John and Garrus should be waiting for her by the airlock, ready to go.

Well, she was right on the first account.

"Can you help me with the scarf?" she heard Garrus ask.

"Yeah, sure thing, buddy," John replied as he reach up to loop the bright red scarf around Garrus' neck.

Ashley slowed her pace as she walked down the bridge, utterly dumbfounded by what she saw. Shepard wore a winter coat that looked thicker than his armor, the collar pulled tight round his chin. He had comically oversized winter boots on, and he was decked out with a wool cap and matching gloves.

Vakarian was even worse off. He donned a Turian style jacket that looked thicker than elephant hide, and his pants looked overly puffed up with insulation. The red scarf was pulled tight around his neck and lower jaw, and it looked like he was wearing some kind of wool sack over the spurs on the back of head.

They turned to Ash as she approached them, both of them perplexed by her wide eyed stair. John checked out her attire. "Don't you think you're dressed a little light, Ash?"

"I thought we were going out for drinks, not a Siberian expedition," she accused.

"While I have no idea what a Siberia is, we're still going out for the former," Garrus stated. Gesturing to himself and John he explained, "Shepard and I are just making sure we're warm enough for the walk there."

"I can certainly see that," she said as she crossed her arms, exasperated. "Don't you think you're going a little overkill, though?"

"We Turians are native to a much warmer climate," Garrus argued. "We aren't as adept at shrugging off the cold like humans or Asari can."

"It's barely fifteen degrees colder out there than on the ship," she countered. She turned to Shepard with an accusatory look. "And what's your excuse?"

"Well unlike yourself, I've actually been out there already. I know damn well how cold it is, so this time I'm going outside prepared."

Ashley rolled her eyes. "I have been out there. I was helping Joans trade gear and equipment while you guys were off on your mission. It was cold out, sure, but not enough to warrant dressing up like a couple of eskimos."

"Why do you keep using these words I don't understand?" Garrus whined.

Shepard gave her a mild glare. "You cannot possibly tell me it isn't freezing out there."

Ash stepped closer to him in an authoritative stance. "It's not even cold out there."

"Where the hell have you lived where that," he pointed an accusatory finger to the airlock, "isn't cold?"

"Groundside," Ash said flatly. "I've lived through winters my whole life. I went outside and played in the snow with my sisters. I've actually been caught in a blizzard while out camping with my father. This," she indicated the air lock as well, "is a light breeze to me."

Shepard tried to cross his arms, but realized his coat was too poufy to let him properly move his arms that way, so he settled for placing his hands on his hips. "I didn't live my life like a barbarian. I lived on starships and space stations, where the temperature is regulated and kept at a comfortable level for all those aboard. Sapient species are not meant to live in an environment colder than seventy degrees."

Ash sighed as she shook her head. "Oh, I get it. You two are just a couple of softies."

Garrus huffed indignantly at her, an action that was completely nullified by half his face being hidden behind a fuzzy red scarf. "Well, Miss Winter Wonderland, why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Go out there and tells us for certain you don't think it's cold."

"Gladly." Ashley pushed pass them and slammed the door control for the airlock. They walked into the decontamination area and waited for the cycle to complete in awkward silence. Then the cycle completed its run and the outside doors began to open.

They were immediately assaulted by the cooler air of the station. Ash herself had to suppress a shiver as the cold air rushed past her, and she felt the need to put her hands in the pockets of her borrowed jacket. But Ash gave herself a moment to adjust, and as the air settled she went from cold to pleasantly cool. She blew out a breath of air and watched the light cloud of condensation curl out from her lips.

"See, not so bad, right?" she asked over her shoulder. She heard no response from the two men behind her, save for a chattering sound. Ash turned to see what they were doing, and resisted the urge to physically face palm.

Shepard and Vakarian were both shivering violently, their arms curled tight around their bodies to try and keep in the warmth. And the chattering sound was apparently being made by Garrus' mandibles clacking against his mouth plates.

Shepard gave her a deathly glare. "Y-you're inhu-human," he stammered at her with far less heat than he wanted to.

Ash rolled her eyes and strode out of the airlock, listening to the two men's clonking booted footsteps follow after her.

"Pansies," she muttered.


	2. The Ambling Departed

_Pre-Author's Note: This installment is an AU where Garrus, Shepard and Ash are all civilians living 'normal' lives._

Mass Effect is owned operated by Bioware and Electronic _Braaaiinns_

The Rambling Departed

* * *

Garrus hated working the weekend shift in C-Sec. The loudest, angriest, _smelliest_ perps always came out on the weekends. And after working almost forty eight straight hours, Garrus was looking forward to getting back to the apartment he shared with his friend, crawling into his bed, and spending his Monday off sleeping.

But instead, he walked in on a blaring TV.

Garrus deposited his things on the kitchen table and walked into the living room, following the sound of what appeared to be some obnoxious theme song. The reason he agreed to rent an apartment with his friend John Shepard was because the human was good mannered, kept the place clean, and most importantly, he was _quiet_.

He found Shepard on the couch curled up with his girlfriend Ashley Williams underneath one of those big fuzzy blankets they liked. They were such a sickeningly sweet couple it would have made Garrus throw up if he'd actually eaten anything in the last twelve hours.

Shepard craned his neck backward when he somehow heard footsteps over the TV. "Oh hey, Garrus!" he greeted in his usual cheery way. "How was work?"

"Abysmal, as always," Garrus told them with no small amount of tired scorn. Garrus walked around the couch and flopped down on the opposite end. "Nice to see you too, Williams."

"Likewise, Vakarian," Ash said neutrally. The two of them still didn't get along so well. They only really tolerated each other because they both liked Shepard so much.

"So pray tell, what are we watching?" Garrus asked them. "And why must we watch it at such a high volume?" The horrible cacophony of stringed instruments and synthesizers finally ended and the show began in earnest. From what Garrus could tell, it looked like the story revolved around a group of people living at a farm of some kind.

"Oh, sorry buddy," Shepard apologized as he grabbed the remote and lowered the volume a few clicks, so now even when the characters whispered to each other it didn't sound like they were yelling. "I forget Turians have more sensitive hearing than us. Besides, I thought you wouldn't be home until later."

"Well, when a druggie you brought in for processing throws up on your nice new boots, the chief tends to be a little more lenient about letting us get off early."

"Well that sucks," Ashley told him. "But you don't have to work tomorrow, right? Wanna stay up a little longer with us and watch the Ambling Departed?"

"It's a new episode!" Shepard emphasized.

"The Ambling Departed?" he tested the named skeptically. Garrus watched on screen as a young man talked quietly with another woman, who was complaining about how she was pregnant and how she didn't know who the father was and blah blah blah.

"Oh, are you talking about that lame zombie show? The one where they spend most of their time complaining about their social lives rather than actually trying to survive?"

Ashley gave him a pouty look. "The Ambling Departed is not 'lame.' It's a really good show."

"Oh, don't worry about Garrus, Ash" Shepard consoled, snuggling his girlfriend close. "That stick up his butt makes it so he can barely enjoy anything that isn't a Galvatoryx: The First Turian Spectre movie."

"You know me so well," Garrus drawled. Now two other characters, a man and a woman, were in an old, four-wheeled car on their way to some town to scavenge for supplies. They were trying to talk strategy, but there was so much unspoken sexual tension the scene was almost difficult to watch.

"So is watching TV shows about the apocalypse a human thing?" Garrus asked them.

"Is it not a thing for other species?" Shepard retorted.

"No, we usually spend our free time thinking about how life could be better, not how much worse it could be."

"It's all made up," Ashley interjected. "Besides, shows about perfect societies are boring to watch. But watching people trying to survive against hordes hoards of the undead is way more interesting. And the special effects are seriously kick ass!"

"Uh huh," Garrus deadpanned. "Don't take this the wrong way, Williams, but I've seen the kind of special effects you humans consider to be higher grade. The CGI looks clunky at best, your makeup makes things look faker than they already are, and don't even get me started on what you think blood looks-"

His rant was interrupted when a loud scream sounded from the television. They all turned back to see a man had fallen on the ground, and what Garrus deduced to be an 'Ambler' was bearing down upon him.

"Oh, was that someone we liked?" Ashley asked.

"Uh, no, I don't think so," Shepard answered. "I think that was just one of the Colonel's men."

Garrus ignored the words the humans were saying. He stared transfixed at the TV, watching as the Ambler took a bite out of the man's neck. But where Garrus had been expecting to see a faraway shot with some cartoonish blood jetting out, the camera got real up close and personal. Garrus could clearly see where the Ambler's teeth bit into the man's flesh, then saw the skin tear apart as the mouth pulled back. A fountain of realistic looking blood gushed form the man's neck as he continued to scream.

It was disgusting. It was surreal.

It was _beautiful_.

"I could get into this," Garrus muttered.

_Some time later…_

"Oh, Spirits! Did you see that?!"

Ashley jerked back into wakefulness with an undignified snore. Looking around, she unfortunately realized the nightmare she was having was actually really happening all along.

She wished she hadn't asked Vakarian to stay up and watch their show with them. She and the Turian barely liked each other. But the moment Vakarian saw his first Ambler take down a man, he was hooked. After the new episode ended, Vakarian had insisted upon watching the series from the very first episode.

Shepard thought it was fun at first, and Ashley went along because she had nothing better to do. But then two episodes turned into four, and then four turned into eight.

"Wuh?" she groused, rubbing her eye. She hadn't even realized she'd fallen asleep. Following Vakarian's excited pointing, Ash turned her attention back to the TV. Of course, some chick was getting her arm chewed off by Amblers. It was a pretty big deal last season, but Ash couldn't care less right now.

"Why are you still up, Vakarian?" It's…" Ash yanked her one arm free of Shepard's grasp, who started to shift and groan next to her. She checked the time on her Omni Tool. "It's 3:40 in the morning! Shepard and I have to work, later."

"Why would you want to sleep when you can watch gold like this!" Garrus said enthusiastically. "That one chick, Gloria, her sister just got taken out! After she gave her that nice Koala necklace, too!"

Ashley sighed and leaned her head back against Shepard's shoulder. Of all the Turians her boyfriend could be best friends with, he had to pick the one who got off on blood, guts, and people being mauled.

"It was pretty surprising," Shepard said sleepily, stifling a yawn. "Especially considering she lived a lot longer in the comic books."

Ashley panicked and clamped her hand over Shepard's mouth to get him to shut up. But it was too late. Vakarian stared at Shepard, his jaw hanging open with disbelief.

"There's comic books too?!"


	3. Duck Hunt

Mass Effect is owned and operated by Bioware and Electronic Boogaloo

Sniper Buddies – Duck Hunt

* * *

_Setting: During Mass Effect 1_

_Location: Agebinium, Voyager Cluster, Amazon System_

"I really think we needed this," Ashley commented idly as she let loose another round from her sniper rifle. "Got one."

"I know, right?" Shepard agreed. "Chasing after Saren, plus rooting out Cerberus bases, and on top of all that having to go around doing Hackett's errands? This is definitely what we needed. A little R and R."

"Couldn't agree more." Garrus shifted his sights and fired his sniper rifle. "Chalk up another one for the Turian!"

Garrus, Ashley, and Shepard were atop a large hill, looking out over the dusty landscape of Agebinium. Since the nuke Hackett had sent them to disarm was taken care of and they had nowhere to be in a hurry, Shepard suggested a friendly game of Duck Hunt.

Thus was why the three of them were lying prone on the ground, sniper rifles out as they fired down upon their targets. The local wildlife was very accommodating to their game, and there were more than enough targets to go around.

"You guys want to make this more interesting?" Shepard asked as he sniped another target.

"How's that?" Ashley sighted on a target, but the little bugger scurried away just as she fired. She resighted, only to see Garrus claim her kill while she floundered. She sent the Turian a glare, but Garrus glowed with smug pride.

"The losers have to buy the first two rounds of drinks next time we're on shore leave," Shepard told them.

"I prefer Cipritine Whiskey!" Garrus called out as he knocked another target down. "You know, just for reference when you both lose."

"Oh bite me, Vakarian," Ash retorted. Ash sniped one target and then quickly rsighted on another one trying to get away, though it didn't very far before she mowed it down. "I'll take that bet. A lady deserves her free drinks every once in a while."

"Sounds like we have a deal!" Shepard missed his next shot, hitting a boulder and smashing it to pieces. A bunch of targets who were hiding behind it all scuttled away as their cover crumbled. "Oh man, look at them run! Like chickens with their heads cut off!"

"I have no idea what that means but I agree wholeheartedly!" Garrus chimed in.

Ash chuckled as she took down another target and added to her score. "This is the best day ever."

_Elsewhere…_

"This is the worst day ever!" one of his men screamed before his head disappeared in a fine red mist.

Elanos Haliat sat completely dumbstruck, hidden underneath the cover of one the tents they'd set up earlier. He watched as his men ran about like complete morons, only to be systematically wiped out by the sniper fire.

It had been such a simple plan. Leak the location of a tactical nuke, lure the Alliance into sending Shepard to deal with it, and then blow him up! If Haliat were lucky, he could maybe capture that fancy ship Shepard came in on too.

But then everything went bad, and then from bad to worse. The nuke never went off, and now Haliat's encampment was being treated like a shooting gallery. He knew he should have hired better mercs then this sorry lot. They had no idea what to do, and acted as nothing more than moving targets.

Men fell left and right. Some ended up losing their heads, others were practically disemboweled. One poor Drell was almost sawed in half when two sniper rounds hit him in the gut.

_Elsewhere…_

"Mine!" Garrus immediately called out.

"The hell it was!" Ash argued. "My bullet hit first!"

"Yours just took down his shields," Garrus countered. "Mine was the money shot!"

"Oh don't give me that bullshit. Shepard?"

"Are you really going to make me play moderator?" the commander asked. Garrus and Ashley only stared at him with determination in their eyes. "Alright, fine. From what I saw, Ashley's bullet hit the guy first."

Ashley grinned triumphantly and turned back to the shooting range. Garrus continued to glare at Shepard. "You only sided with the Chief because she's sleeping with you."

Shepard grinned smugly as he hit a target in the leg. "I will neither confirm nor deny that statement."

_Elsewhere…_

"My leg!" someone called about before another sniper round silenced him. Haliat cursed the idiot for trying to run out in the open in search of cover.

Haliat watched as one of the Krogan charged out of the tent, roaring his lungs out. In his arms he hefted two grenade launchers. _Oh thank God! _Haliat thought. Now they would have the firepower necessary to eliminate the threat.

_Smack._

The Krogan's roar was cut off when his head plate exploded into hundreds of tiny, bloody chunks. Haliat watched helplessly as the brute fell to the ground.

_How could this get any worse?_ he thought forlornly.

Haliat was about to learn just how cruel the universe could be when you called it out. Just before the Krogan died, his fingers were already curling around the triggers of his grenade launchers. As he thudded to the ground, his hands finally tightened enough on the gun handles that the launchers started going off.

Rocket propelled grenades spewed out from the launchers in every direction. It was almost comical to watch the Krogan's arms jerk back and forth from the recoil of the guns (And indeed, there were three people atop a nearby hill laughing their asses off). Explosions went off left and right, throwing Haliat's men into the air or blasting them apart.

He watched in terror as one such grenade sailed straight for his tent.

_Elsewhere…_

"Oh my god! I can't… I can't freaking breath!"

The three of them were no longer sniping, rolling on the ground and laughing too hard to pay attention. They had thought the Krogan with the grenade launchers would be more of a challenge. But instead, after Ashley turned its head into a salad bowl, the Krogan became their greatest ally.

"He's just jerking around on the floor like some paraplegic disco dancer!" Shepard wheezed.

"Spirits, did you see how high that one guy flew!" Garrsu asked rhetorically. "Must have been at least twelve meters!"

The sound of an especially loud explosion drew their attention back to the playing field. A grenade had landed inside one of the tents the targets had set up earlier. Now the temporary building was nothing but a mushroom cloud of fire. They watched as one man ran out of the inferno, waving his arms about in an insane fashion.

Shepard peered back through his scope. "Oh hey, it's Haliat."

"That guy who just tried to nuke us?" Ashley asked.

"That would be the one. Though I don't think he'll be much of a problem anymore."

They picked themselves off the ground, stowing their sniper rifles. They stood close together, admiring their work.

"Well, I think it's pretty clear the Chief won this one," Garrus observed.

She gave him a peculiar look. "Giving up so easily, Vakarian?"

"No, but even I know when to admit defeat." He bumped his shoulder against hers playfully. "But you got lucky with that Krogan taking everyone else out. Next time, this Turian will give you a proper ass kicking."

"I'll look forward to it," Shepard chimed in. "But right now, I'd just about say we're all winners today. Except Haliat. And his men."

Ashley and Garrus nodded. The three of them stood there, atop of that hill, looking down at their handiwork. The temporary merc base was nothing but a smoldering ruin, all of their equipment was either smashed or on fire, and dozens of bodies littered the ground. All in all, a good day's work for the first Human Spectre and his two compatriots.

"God, we are terrible people, aren't we?" Shepard asked aloud.

"Oh, spirits, yes we are."

"Amen to that."


	4. Relationship Effect

Mass Effect is owned and Operated by Bioware and Elephant Arts

Sniper Buddies – Relationship Effect

* * *

_Setting: AU in which there are no Reapers and Shepard and Garrus are both Spectres._

"…I mean you'd think that two up and coming, highly skilled, and extremely good looking Spectres would be on the front line, leading the op. But no! Because we're still "green" we have to sit off to the side playing bird watch!"

"Yes, Shepard, I get the point," Garrus said tiredly. "In fact, I already got your point about five minutes into your rant. Another fifteen minutes of ranting have done little to alter my opinion further."

While he did sympathize with his human friend, Garrus still understood why Saren and Nihlus kept them in the background for this mission. The warehouse they were targeting was pretty much the central hub for all drug trade on the Citadel. Saren and Nihlus were two of the best Spectres out there, so it was natural the Council would trust them to lead the assault. Besides, while they didn't want to admit it, Garrus was a far superior sniper, even among Spectres, so it wasn't a bad idea to put him up high and play over watch.

But perhaps it was not as wise a decision to make Shepard his spotter. "All I'm saying is that our skills could be put to much better use elsewhere."

"Mmhmm," Garrus grumbled. He continued to survey the warehouse, looking for anything that might say the cartel inside might have been tipped off to their attack, which was set to commence in little more than ten minutes.

Shepard harrumphed indignantly and finally fell into merciful silence. John Shepard was one of his closest friends, but Garrus really could not stand his over inflated ego right now. Not on top of the mission and his… other problems.

"Are you okay?" Shepard suddenly asked.

Ah. So apparently the barrage of words had only paused, not ceased. Great.

"I'm fine," Garrus returned shortly.

Garrus couldn't see it, but he knew Shepard too well to know how the human was reacting. Right now he was probably setting his binoculars aside and giving Garrus that _look_. The one where Shepard got that glint in his eye when he found a chance to make someone spill their guts and feed his insatiable lust for knowing information about other people's lives.

"Alright, Vakarian, spill it. What's eating at you?"

Garrus shifted his armor nervously, starting to become uncomfortable from lying prone for so long. "There's nothing 'eating at me.' Spirits, you humans and your strange sayings."

"Oh come on, Garrus, you gotta forgive me for being curious. The last time you were like this was when you were going out with that…"

Garrus hoped Shepard didn't see the way he winced while Shepard let out a long, "Aaaaaahhh." He could practically _feel_ the shit eating grin the human was giving him.

"Don't give me that bullshit," Garrus told him dismissively.

"So what's her name?" Shepard asked cheekily.

Garrus sighed. "You do realize we're in the middle of a mission right now? Now's not exactly the time."

"Now is the perfect time! Com one, Garrus, I tell you about all of my girlfriends."

"And I repeatedly ask you to stop," Garrus whined. "Spirits, I still have nightmares about the one seriously demented tattooed chick you went out with for a while."

"Please Garrus?" Shepard asked in that overly innocent voice. "I already have to sit out of a mission babysitting your Turian ass. Throw me a bone here!"

Another sigh, accompanied with rubbing his hand over his eyes. Shepard could be a persistent son of a bitch. If Garrus didn't curtail him now, it was likely Shepard would keep asking even after the shooting started.

"Alright, fine. Her name is… Ashley Williams."

Shepard was quiet for almost a full minute. 56.8 seconds, to be exact, if the count timer on Garrus' visor was to be believed. A new record for him, actually.

"That's an… awfully human name for a Turian gal," Shepard said with an uncharacteristic amount of bashfulness.

"Well… it would be if she were actually a Turian."

Shepard was silent for another 33.5 seconds. "Alright, you're going to have to give me the full run down here."

Garrus rolled his eyes. For such a smart human, Shepard could also be rather slow on the uptake. "Do you remember Dr. Saleon, that Salarian geneticist I chased to Eden Prime? The Alliance wasn't too keen on having a Turian Spectre in one of their colonies, but far less so about a mass murdering organ dealer. Thus was why they assigned me an N7 operative as my handler."

"And I take it that N7 happened to be Miss Williams?"

"Yup. And we did not like each other. At all. She's general Williams' granddaughter, you know, the one who pushed the Turians out of Shanxi during the war way back when. Definitely not racist against other species, but _very_ slow to trust them."

"How'd you go from hating each other to in her pants?" Garrus finally pulled back from his sniper scope and gave Shepard a bland look. "What?"

"Nobody got into each other's pants." Garrus had an afterthought as he readjusted his aim. "Unless you count the time one of Saleon's men tried to smuggle a kidney in their pocket."

Shepard snickered, and Garrus thought back to the month he spent on Eden Prime. "Saleon and his group weren't exactly a violent bunch, so there wasn't much action to be had. Most nights we did stake outs with nothing much else to do besides watching a suspicious building and just… talk."

"What about?"

"A lot, actually. We had more in common than I thought we would. Both from families with prominent military backgrounds; both grew up with annoying younger sisters; both really good at handling a sniper rifle. She's a really good shot if drinks are on the line."

"Well, she can't be better than me!" Shepard boasted.

"Oh, whatever happy little lies you want to tell yourself, Shepard." Garrus didn't miss the petulant look the human gave him.

"So what exactly happened to shift you two from reluctant coworkers to potential couple?"

He didn't answer immediately, still trying to figure that out himself. "I don't know, really. Somewhere along the line we went from glares and clipped sentences to laughter and smiles. And it was… nice. Because I'm a Vakarian I always have to act a certain way around other Turians. And as a Williams there was a certain way she had to act around other humans. But when it was just Ashley and I, there weren't any expectations. No guidelines we had to live up to. It was just us.

"We took Saleon down without much fuss. Before I shipped back to the Citadel to lock him up, I asked her if she wanted to keep in touch. Pen pals, as you humans would say."

"Those are usually reserved for third graders, but go on."

"Well, we definitely stayed in touch. For the three months between then and now, we traded text messages, vid chats, the occasional bit of mail. To be honest, I had no idea why I was still talking to her, but I liked talking with her so much I didn't want to stop."

"Dear lord, it's like I'm watching some sappy rom com," Shepard observed.

Garrus grinned unabashedly, before turning nervous again. "Well, I think I started to catch on I liked her as more than a friend a few weeks ago. And around the same time I started noticing these… looks, she gave me. Ones that seemed a little too intense for friendly conversation. A lot more awkward silences and bouts of awkward laughter have cropped up too."

"Well we both know you've got awkward down in spades," Shepard jabbed, eliciting a chuckled from Garrus. Shepard tsked himself. "Your mission to Eden Prime was over three months ago. I can't believe I hadn't noticed until now you've got a girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend," Garrus defended, perhaps a bit too quickly. "At least, not yet she isn't. Besides, like I said, it started out being pretty casual, and it didn't start getting intimate until a few weeks ago. And right now I'm more wound up than usual because, well, she's coming to the Citadel."

Shepard's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yup. In our last vid chat she told me she has some shore leave, so she wanted to check out the Citadel instead of the usual human haunts. I… well, I asked if she wanted to go out to dinner with me while she was here and… she said yes."

Shepard let out a long, appreciative whistle. "Damn, Vakarian. It only feels like yesterday you were sticking it to your old man and signing up for Spectre training. And now you're even dating a human! You're like a pioneer among Turians."

"We haven't even been on a single date yet," Garrus dismissed. "Besides, we're just going out as friends. Nothing more."

"Sure, keep telling yourself that Garrus," Shepard told him with that stupid grin. Garrus rolled his eyes and flipped him the Turian equivalent of the bird. "So is she hot?"

Garrus gave him a queer look. "I'm afraid I'm a little rusty when it comes to human beauty standards. I talk to Ashley for her personality, not her looks."

"Come on, Vakarian. I've seen the way Turian women, Quarian women, and even some Asari look at you. You're a looker. And you cannot tell me you'd date a human who was unattractive. Just give me some details about her."

He pondered that for a moment. If Garrus were being honest with himself, Ashley certainly was much nicer to look at than a lot of humans he's worked with over the years.

"Well, her skin is a nice tan brown color, not pasty white like yours." That got him a grunt of disapproval from the human Spectre, but Garrus didn't take to heart. "Her fringe is nice, and her waist is… rather supportive."

"Human women liked to be called curvy, Garrus, not likened to ladders."

"Alright, she's very curvy. And I noticed her breasts are bit large than the average."

"That's never a negative trait. What else?"

"Hmm. I really like her nose."

Now it was Shepard's turn to give Garrus a dumbfounded look. "Her nose?"

"Yeah. Most humans and Asari have these small, weird looking noses. Ashley's is larger and curved, and I… kinda want to feel what it's like to nuzzle with it."

Shepard blew out a breath of air. "So apparently Turians get off on noses. Who knew?"

"Oh shut up," Garrus scolded playfully. A red light suddenly popped up in Garrus' visor, alerting him Saren and Nihlus were on the way. "Alright, we are a go. Alpha team is moving."

"Roger that," Shepard told him.

He was only quiet for 9.9 seconds. Another new record.

"So you've never actually slept with a human before, right?"

"I am not having this conversation now, Shepard. Please just spot my targets."

"I only bring it up because I don't want you to hurt yourself, big guy."

"Please shut up, Shepard."

"I got this guy, Mordin, and he's got all kinds of educational videos about inter species... _relations_."

"Spirits, Shepard, if you do not stop talking I swear I will take this sniper rifle and beat you to death with it!"


	5. RE 2 - Relationship Harder

_Pre-Author's Note: By popular demand, or rather that one guy who demanded, here's a follow up to Relationship Effect!_

Mass Effect is owned and operated by Bioware and Electronic Warts

Relationship Effect 2 – Relationship Harder

* * *

"This looks nice, right?" Ashley asked, checking her outfit in the mirror of her hotel bathroom.

"Believe me, Williams, if you were going out with me, what you wore would hardly matter by the end of the night," her friend Samantha Traynor called out from the living room, idly flipping through a magazine.

Ash rolled her eyes. "Sam, we both know you'd shag anything with a set of breasts and a pulse."

"Guilty as charged!" the other woman agreed cheekily.

Sighing, Ash fixed her focus back onto her reflection. Garrus had said their… whatever you wanted to call it tonight didn't have to be so formal, so Ash decided to dress up in what she felt comfortable in. Which meant a pair of skinny blue jeans, a dark grey t-shirt, and her favorite brown leather jacket with the red stripe going down the right arm. She also took her hair out of usual bun and tied it up in a simple ponytail.

"So why are you doing this again?" she heard Sam ask her.

Ash walked out of the bathroom and leaned against the doorway. "Like I said; Garrus is a friend, and I wanted to see him before my leave ends."

"Well I'm your friend and you never want to sleep with me," Sam protested in an overly pouty voice.

"I am not sleeping with him!" Ashley sniped back with far more heat than she intended. More calmly she went on, "We're just colleagues, more than anything. Ones who share a lot of interests and a propensity for taking other people's heads off with a sniper rifle."

Sam yawned and turned the next page with more flourish than necessary. "I don't know why you keep insisting this isn't a date. You two sound perfect for each other. And believe me, Williams, I've been your friend long enough to know a person like _that_ for _you_ is a galactic phenomenon."

"Well gee, Sam, I love you too," Ash deadpanned. "And it's not a date! Just two friends having dinner together."

"You've never seen When Harry Met Sally, have you?" Sam asked her. Ash only gave her a timid shrug, and Sam responded with a long suffering sigh as she closed the magazine and threw it aside. "Alright, Ash, let's talk hypotheticals for a moment. Let's pretend this is a date, and you are actually madly in love with this Garrus Vakarian. In this hypothetical scenario, what exactly would you find attractive about this Spectre Turian?"

"Well, uh," Ash shifted on feet nervously. Damnit! It's not supposed to be this difficult and weird. "Well, he's, um… tall?"

"Yes, he sounds absolutely ravishing."

"Oh shut up. You're five foot nothing. Those big butch lesbians just love to eat you up like you're some kind of caramel treat." Sam only grinned lecherously, and Ash rolled her eyes. "I'm almost six feet tall. Do you know how hard it is to find guys whose precious prides aren't so goddamn wounded by dating a woman taller than they are? It's really hard, Sam!"

"Alright, I get it. He's tall enough that he won't feel hurt when he doesn't have to bend down to kiss you. Or whatever it is they do. Now what else?"

"Well, I like his tattoos."

"Those would be his colony markings, right?"

"Yeah. And his are this really nice cobalt blue, and they're not too crazy like other Turians have."

"This is all well and good, Ash, but give me something _more_. Tall and nice tattoos can describe a whole lot of people. What makes Garrus Vakarian so interesting?"

"Okay, let me think." Ashley pondered over their conversations together, and a small smile spread over her lips. "He's really funny, but not in the dumb kind of way. He's good at dry humor and quick off hand comments. He knows when to respect how serious a situation can be but also be quick with a joke to lighten it up."

She ducked her head bashfully, flashing back to her days as a not-so-innocent teen back in high school. "He's really very sweet, you know, when you finally convince him to lose the tough guy act. Plus if you can catch him off guard, he gets all tongue tied and it's adorable to watch him try and defend himself."

Sam was giving her a strange look now. "Ashley? Is that… is that emotion I see? Are you feeling alright? Do you want me to call a doctor?"

Ash gave her a scowl. "Shut up. I can act womanly from time to time."

"So once every other Blue Moon, then?" Ash let out a growl and retreated back into the bathroom. With a sigh Sam finally picked herself up off the couch and walked over to the doorway, staring at Ashley's reflection while she applied some last minute makeup.

"Do you want my god's honest advice, Ash?"

"That depends on how demeaning it is."

"You'll like this one, I swear." Ash paused for a moment, and then gave Sam a hesitant nod through the mirror. "As your friend, I know better than most that getting along with the acclaimed Ashley Williams isn't as easy as one might expect." Ash gave her a bland look, but Sam went on talking. "That being said, Garrus Vakarian still wants to go out with you of his own accord. You and I both realize he's probably seen the unfiltered Ashley, but instead of running away at the first chance he decided to stay. He was impressed with you, not with any façade you think you might have to put up."

Ashley capped her mascara and turned back to her friend. "Where exactly are you going with this, Sam?"

Sam walked up and put both of her hands on both of Ash's shoulders, giving her friend an encouraging smile. "What I mean to say is give him more of what he already wants. Just be yourself."

And as she thought about it, Ash had to admit Sam was right. For Ash, most men were intiminated by her family's history. Those who braved that front then usually recoiled from how… brutally honest Ash could be. Aside from a few one-night-stands, Ashley's love life seemed awfully lacking.

And then Garrus Vakarian came along, and he was so radically different from anyone else Ash has known. He was confident and suave, but also innocent and bumbling in the right kinds of ways. When it was just the two of them, their species' standards didn't apply, because it was more fun to just act like themselves for a change.

Ash gave her friend a grateful smile. "Thanks, Sam. I mean it. You're a better friend than I deserve."

"Well you said it, not me," was her quick reply. Ash laughed and playfully punched in friend in the arm. Sam giggled as well, but not so playfully rubbed her now sore arm.

Ash checked the time on her Omni Tool. "Oh shit, I think I'm running late. I gotta run." Ashley moved past Sam and made for the door, making sure she had everything she needed for the night. "I'll call you later and let you know how it went."

"Sure, sure, just go have fun with your new Turian boy toy. Also, keep in mind I am always available for a booty call in case things go south!"

* * *

_Author's Note: Do keep in mind that this little story arc will have a third part. When that part comes out? Your guess is as good as mine._

_In any event, thank you to everyone who has Commented, Favorited, and Followed. Your appreciation is highly appreciated!_


	6. Call of the Battlefield: Halo of Destiny

Mass Effect is owned and operated by Bioware and Eel-tronic Arts

Call of the Battlefield: Halo of Destiny

* * *

_Setting: Civilians AU_

[Blue Team] mountainofAsh212: Get the f**k back here you stupid piece of s**t!

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: Ash, sweetie, it's just a game. Try to calm do-

[Blue Team] mountainofAsh212: I will not calm down until this camping w***e is six feet under!

[Blue Team] 19ArchAngelofJustice84: I told you this was a bad idea, Shepard.

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: Yeah, I get that, Garrus.

[Blue Team] 19ArchAngelofJustice84: Why did you want to include Ash in our game time, again?

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: Well, she was feeling left out whenever you and I bond over the extranet. So we started doing our own co-op thing, and Ash was having a lot of fun. Then she wanted to see what multiplayer was like and, well…

[Blue Team] 19ArchAngelofJustice84: …and she wasn't exactly cut out for it?

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: Oh no, she definitely is. But as you can see, that might be the problem.

[Blue Team] mountainofAsh212: Hey! Ingrates! Stop blabbering like a couple of housewives and kick your asses into gear! I need someone covering my flank.

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: (_Audible sigh_) Yes, dear.

[Blue Team] 19ArchAngelofJustice84: (_Whip cracking noise_)

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: Oh shut up you big stupid bird.

[Blue Team] 19ArchAngelofJustice84: Hey, Ash, there's a couple of guys coming up on-

[Blue Team] mountainofAsh212: I have eyes, Vakarian! I can see the f*****s!

[Blue Team] mountainofAsh212: (_Game announcer declares a double kill_)

[Blue Team] mountainofAsh212: Ha! Get wrecked you stupid pieces of s**t!

_Later that night…_

Game begins in 3… 2… 1…

Setting teams…

Blue Team Objective: Kill the VIP

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: Oh no…

[Blue Team] 19ArchAngelofJustice84: Spirits help us…

[Red Team] mountainofAsh212: Ha ha! What's wrong, b*****s? Afraid to go up against the might of Red Team with Ashley Williams as their VIP!

[Blue Team] 19ArchAngelofJustice84: This is going to be painful, isn't it?

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: Hold on Garrus, I have an idea…

Round Start

[Red Team] mountainofAsh212: Try whatever you want, Johnny boy. It's not gonna stop me from wiping the floor with-

[Red Team] mountainofAsh212: (_Sound of an explosion_)

[Red Team] mountainofAsh212: WHAT THE F**K!?

Blue Team Wins Round One!

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: Oh my god I can't believe that worked! You're good, Ash, but you are seriously too predictable.

[Blue Team} 19ArchAngelofJustice84: Wait, what just happened?

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: I knew Ash would go for the Chainsaw Launcher, so I popped a noob tube over to where it spawned. I still can't believe I got her! But hey, no hard feelings, right babe?

[Red Team] mountainofAsh212: …

[Blue Team] The COmmanderGhostN7: Ashley? You still there hon?

[Blue Team] 19ArchAngleofJustice84: Uh, Shepard, how far away did you say Ash lived from you?

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: Just a couple blocks away. Why do you-

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: (_Sound of a door slamming open_)

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: What the hell was- oh my god. Ashley… Ash, baby, just calm down sweetheart. It's just a game! We can talk about this!

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: **I AM GOING TO F*****G MURDER YOU SHEPARD!**

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: Garrus call 911!

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: (_Sounds of a struggle_)

[Blue Team] TheCOmmanderGhostN7: (_Sounds of domestic abuse and pathetic male whimpering_)

[Blue Team] 19ArchAngleofJustice84: I think this is why my father told me not to get mixed up with humans.


	7. Of Siblings, Relationships, and Movies

Mass Effect is owned and operated by Bioware and Electronic Hearts

Of Siblings, Relationships, and Crappy Movies

* * *

_Setting: Civilians AU_

Garrus felt like a child back in grade school, sent to sit in the corner for pulling the on the mean girl's fringe too hard. He took some solace in that he was not in fact sitting in a corner, but at the kitchen counter of the apartment he shared with his human friend John Shepard.

In addition, at least Garrus was not alone for his time out. Next to him sat John's sister Jane, looking every bit as dejected and chastised as he felt. Her clothes were rumpled and looked to have been hastily put on, and Garrus could deduce his clothes probably weren't in a much better state.

It's been quiet for a long time. Before John was yelling so loud he could be heard even through the sound proof walls. But now John and Ashley were inside his room, and the silence unnerved Garrus more than anything.

Suddenly the sound of a door opening made them perk their heads up, and Garrus and Jane saw Ashley emerge from John's room, alone, quietly shutting the door behind her. She was rubbing her temples, looking worn out and more than a little pissed herself.

Ashley rested her elbows on the counter before them and said, "Alright, good news is John is no longer on the brink of going on a homicidal death rage." She gave the both of them a pointed look. "The bad news is that he's still royally pissed off. And I can't really say I blame him." The last part was said with a poorly concealed glare in Garrus' direction.

"It's not his fault, Ash," Jane protested. "It just sorta… happened."

"It just sorta happened," Ash repeated blandly. "You do realize I can't actually keep John in his room forever? And when he comes out, he's gonna want a better answer than 'It just sorta happened.'"

Jane sent a beseeching look to Garrus, clearly at a loss for what to do. The Turian sighed and said, "I guess it started when I got off of work earlier than usual and I came home…"

* * *

_Earlier that day…_

Garrus opened the door to his apartment and was assaulted by the sound of someone crying.

Thankfully they weren't great, inconsolable sobs like some criminals got when they realized their parents couldn't bail them out of their latest screw up. But Garrus also reasoned he was simply too late to experience them. This person sounded as though they've been sad about something for a long time, and they no longer had the energy to cry so hard. Now it was just a rough collection of weak gasps and stifled sniffles.

He left his things in the kitchen and moved into the apartment, into the living room. On the couch he found a lone person curled up beneath layers of blankets. All Garrus could see of them was the familiar bright red fringe of John's sister Jane. On the TV played some sappy rom-com, and Jane was surrounded by used up boxes of tissues and empty levo ice cream cartons.

Jane looked up at the sound of his footsteps, and Garrus could see her cheeks were red and splotchy. "Garrus!" she said, surprised. "I… John said you wouldn't be home until later."

"Got off work early," he hastily explained. "Is something wrong Jane? Did something happen to John?"

She shook her head, trying to pick up the mess she'd made. "No. Everything's… fine. But I didn't want to be alone and John said I could hang out here until he came home."

"Okay…" Garrus was pretty sure everything wasn't fine, but he had no idea what exactly was going on. Instead, he reverted to things he could do. "Here, let me get that." He kneeled down to gather up the trash Jane had accumulated. The human woman gave him an apologetic look, clearly sorry for having caused such a mess.

Back in the kitchen, after Garrus threw out everything, he put the electric tea kettle on to boil. He emerged back into the living room a few minutes later, steaming mug in hand.

Garrus sat down next to her and offered the heated beverage. "Herbal tea. I know where John keeps the good stuff, too."

"You didn't have to do that," Jane mumbled, though she still dragged her arms out of the blanket and accepted the tea. She took a hesitant sip, and almost instantly Garrus saw her features relax. "Wow that's good. John's been holding out on me. Thanks, Garrus."

"Don't mention it," he told her with a smile. As he got up he went on, "I'll be right back. I just have to change out of my uniform."

Garrus retreated into his room, partially to change and partially to regroup his thoughts. Jane was like her older brother in the fact that she was good at concealing her feelings. A Shepard trait, he mused. To see her so vulnerable was so… surreal. Something truly traumatic must have happened to reduce her to such a state.

"I'm sorry about surprising you," Jane called out.

"You didn't surprise me," he called back as he worked himself into a casual shirt. "And you're my best friend's sister. It's really no trouble."

"I just feel bad is all." Garrus walked back out of his room. He watched Jane's gaze briefly flicker over his new attire, something strange in it he couldn't make out before it was gone. "It's not fair to you to have an emotional human woman making a mess of your apartment."

"I really don't mind," Garrus consoled quietly as he sat down. "I'd still pick you over the guys who start crying for their mothers when we haul them in."

The lame joke actually got a snort of amusement out of the human woman, and for a moment her features looked significantly less severe when she smiled.

Garrus wrung his hand in his lap, unsure of what to do. "Would it be overstepping my bounds as your brother's friend to ask what was wrong?"

The moment of levity was washed from Jane's face, her mouth set into a grim line.

Garrus instantly felt like a dick. "It's alright, I don't need to know. I'm sorry-"

"No," Jane suddenly cut him off. She sighed and dragged a hand through her mussy hair. "You should probably know what's happening before John gets home and starts drilling me with questions."

Jane muted the TV and was silent for a moment, seemingly trying to work herself up to what she wanted to say. Garrus stayed quiet, not wanting to rush her.

"You know Kaidan, right?"

"Kaidan… I think John mentioned he was the guy you're dating."

"_Dated_," Jane corrected with a snarl. "I made sure he understood we weren't together anymore."

Garrus felt his brow plate raise with mild surprise, and Jane went on explaining, "We've been having a lot of problems over the last couple of months. Kaidan wanted to get more serious and I thought he was trying to make us move too fast. He was talking about moving in together and I was perfectly happy to have my own place. Plus a bunch of other little stuff we kept getting into arguments over.

"Today my shift got canceled and I figured I'd pop by Kaidan's place, cuz I knew he didn't have to work today. I was hoping we could just sit down and talk about what we were feeling, but instead…"

Jane trailed off, looking away, and Garrus could see her eye start to glisten with fresh tears. Before his socially challenged mind could catch up and stop him, Garrus reach a hand out and placed it on her shoulder in what he hoped was a reassuring way.

"You don't have to say anything," he told her quietly.

Jane gave him a look of such endearment it actually surprised him. She took a hold of his three fingered hand, and Garrus couldn't decide if his heart started racing because how warm her hand was or because of the grateful smile she gave him.

"I appreciate it, Garrus," she said sincerely. "But I think talking about it is actually helping a little."

She was silent for another moment before going on. "I… walked in on him in bed with his old girlfriend Rhana. I got real mad, yelled at him for a couple minutes, then took my apartment key back and stormed out. I didn't want to go home and be alone while I sulked, so I called John and he said I could crash here until he came home with Ashley."

"That sounds like something John would do," Garrus agreed. "I don't know what to say Jane. Sorry, I guess."

"You're not the one who cheated, Garrus, so you don't have to be apologetic." Jane's voice still sounded hoarse, but it still seemed better than before. Garrus counted it as a win. "And thank you for listening. It helped. A lot."

"Well, what I lack in speaking skills I make up for as acting as a verbal punching bag."

Jane giggled and lightly pushed his arm. "Oh stop it. God, you and John are practically twins."

"If John really was like me when he was younger, then allow me to seriously apologize to your childhood." That got a more serious laugh out of Jane, and Garrus was glad to see doing so much better than before. He picked up the remote and unmuted the movie. "So what are we watching?"

"God, I don't even know," Jane confessed. "I saw Hallmark and flipped it on out of reflex, and I was back to bawling my eyes out in less than two minutes." She gave Garrus a quizzical look. "I wanted to ask; why do you guys have so many of these crappy movies saved?"

Garrus shrugged with a cheeky grin. "It's our thing; watching horrible movies and making fun of them at every turn we can. Here, watch." Garrus leaned forward on his knees, actively paying attention now.

On screen the lead actor was running down a docking terminal in hopes of catching up to the love of his life and convince her to stay or whatever.

"Please, my love," Garrus said in a British accent mocking the actor's. "Stay with me in my practically third world living arrangements rather than going off and pursuing a career that will literally have you set for life. Why would you accept a man who has looks, money, power, fancy cars and expensive candies when I can give you _love_?"

Jane was laughing in earnest now, her face now red from joy rather than anguish. Garrus leaned back in his seat, giggling at his own remark.

Jane leaned over to snatch the remote out of Garrus' grasp, but then something he didn't quite expect happened. Rather than situating herself back on her own side of the couch, Jane instead leaned into Garru's side. She opened up the blanket so that they could both be under it, and Jane made herself snug against him.

Garrus was stunned into speechlessness. Very few women actually act this comfortable around him, least of all the sister of his best friend. Garrus couldn't imagine just how John would react if he were to walk in right now.

On the other hand, Jane seemed to be completely unperturbed with the new development as she flipped through channels. "Let's see if there's anything good on."

"Uh… yeah, sure." Garrus knew he should have told her this wasn't right. But another part of his brain reasoned she was still dealing with her break up, and that this was the best thing he could do to help her. Besides, it wasn't like Garrus was trying to put the moves on her. This was just two friends, sitting on the couch, watching TV.

Before he even realized what was happening, Jane reared her head back and planted a soft but lingering kiss on his mandible. He hoped she didn't notice the way they trembled with shock.

She pulled back and looked at Garrus with an expression that tied knots in his stomach. "You're a very good friend, Garrus," she whispered

_Stop it. Abort. Cease and desist. Don't do it! Alert! Alert! Pull back! Danger Zone!_

Looking back, Garrus wasn't sure what made him do it. Maybe it was the fact that his love life had been bone dry for over half a year prior. Maybe it was the way Jane was looking at him so passionately. Or maybe it was because in another reality, Female Shepards end up romancing Garrus Vakarian something like fifty percent of the time in a video game, so really the odds were stacked against him.

No matter the reason, when Garrus leaned in and his mouth connected with Jane's, he realized her lips were much softer than he'd thought they'd be.

* * *

_Sometime later, but still earlier…_

"I just can't believe it," Ashley commented. She and John were making their way down the hallway to his apartment, bags of groceries in hand.

"I can," John responded, sounding more weighed down than he usually did. "I always thought Alenko was just too… I don't know, _plain_ for Jane. Never thought he'd go behind her back though."

Ashley noted the way his voice dropped to a dangerous level during the last sentence. "John, I'm pissed off at Alenko too, but this doesn't justify you hunting him down and kicking his ass."

John shrugged shamelessly. "Could you promise me you wouldn't want to assault a boy who cheated on one of your sisters?" Ashley wrinkled her nose at the comment and chose not to answer. "We're older siblings, Ash. It's our job to worry about our younger sisters."

They stopped in front of his door as John fished out his key. "Thanks for coming, by the way."

"Don't mention it. I like Jane, and I feel like she could use another girl to talk to. You know, besides Vakarian."

John gave her that look whenever she bad mouthed the Turian, but Ash just rolled her eyes. Ignoring her comment for now, he opened the door and they stepped inside.

"Jane?" her boyfriend called out, but there was no answer. He passed off his bags to Ash. "You mind taking care of this while I talk to Jane?"

"Not a problem." Ash took the bags and went into the kitchen as John moved into the apartment.

"She's not on the couch, and she's not crashed out in my room," John stated.

As Ash put the groceries away, she spied the bunch of C-Sec supplies on the counter. _Wait, isn't that Vakarian's stuff? I thought he wasn't going to be home until later…_

"Oh man, I hope she didn't crash out on Garrus' bed," John called out to Ash. "You know how he gets when people are in his roo…"

Ashley heard the door open, followed immediately by shouts of surprise.

"John!" yelled out a voice Ashley knew to be Jane's. "We aren't... this isn't… alright, this is completely what it looks like."

"**VAKARIAN YOU FREAKING BASTARD!**"

* * *

_And now…_

"So that's how it happened?" John asked, now significantly calmer than before but no less peeved.

"Yes," his sister replied emphatically. "Garrus was only being a friend; not trying to take advantage of me." She gave the Turian an apologetic look. "Although I might have taken advantage of his shit social skills."

"Pretty sure I never heard Vakarian complaining about being taken advantage of," Ash commented dryly from her spot against the far wall. Garrus couldn't help the glare he sent the brunette human.

"Stop it!" John cut them both off. He was quiet for a moment, dragging his hands over his face. "Okay. I'm still pissed, but now that I can think objectively, I could be a whole lot more pissed off. Jane, this behavior is pretty par for the course for you, so in hindsight I can't really be surprised." His younger sister merely crossed her arms and rolled her eyes in indignation.

John turned to Garrus. "I'm still mad at you for going behind my back, but I cannot describe just how glad I am that Jane went for you and not some lowlife in a dingy bar." Garrus coughed into his fist rather than comment, equal amounts of guilt and awkwardness reigning supreme in his chest and disabling his function of speech.

"It's a shit situation, but it's also the best possible outcome of that shit situation." John ran a hand over his close cropped hair. "Jane, it's just… difficult thinking of you as an adult and not the little sister I had to protect from the big bad world."

"Just because mom doesn't live on the Citadel doesn't mean you have to step into her place, John," the redhead implored. "I'm an adult; have been for like five years now. I can make my own decisions. Sure, I might not have been in the best state of mind when I started hitting on Garrus, but I would have backed off if I thought neither of us actually wanted to… move forward." The other two humans in the apartment directed their perturbed gazes to Garrus, and the Turian instinctively felt his neck warm.

"Maybe we should split into teams and regroup later?" Ashley suggested. "Come on, Jane, let's head back to your place. I know some creative stuff we can do with all of Alenko's old junk."

Garrus gave John a quizzical look, unaware of the implications Ashley meant. "They guy she dated before me," John elaborated. "I still kinda feel bad for the poor bastard sometimes."

"Sounds like a good idea," Jane agreed with Ash. "Just let me get cleaned up a little first?"

Ash nodded and the two of them retreated back into Garrus's room to gather Jane's things. He and John were left along in the kitchen, and the tension in the air was palpable to a degree Garrus hadn't thought possible.

He dragged his hands over his face and fringe, still trying to come to terms with just how monumentally shit he felt. "John… I am so incomprehensibly sorry. I swear by the Spirits and anything else we deem holy that I never had any intentions of-"

"Just stop, Garrus," John butted in, no real inflection in his voice. "I know you. You're like family to me. And I know you'd never hurt Jane. I'm mad right now, but just give it a little time and things will go back to normal between the two of us."

Garrus let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "I'm glad to hear you say that, John. You, Jane, hell, even Ashley, are some of my best friends. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt any of you."

"Oh stop being so melodramatic," John jabbed in the friendly manner Garrus was far more accustomed to. John stepped around him and fished out a couple of beers for the two of them from the fridge.

As he handed the dextro alcohol over, John turned serious again. "Right now, what I'm most concerned with is how you plan to act moving forward."

Garrus took a cautious sip of his drink. "What do you mean?"

"I'm asking how much you like Jane. Really like her, I mean."

"Oh." Garrus tossed the bottle back and forth, trying to make sure his answer didn't land him in even hotter water. "Well, I've always thought she was an attractive person, despite not being a Turian. Jane's smart, sociable, likeable… to be honest I've always seen her as just being a female version of you."

John crooked an eyebrow at him, and as Garrus' brain caught up to his words he realized just how disturbing the implication of calling John's sister just like him and then sleeping with her might be.

"Uhh…"

"Let's table that confession for another time," John quickly dismissed.

"Right," Garrus agreed. "Look, I… if you had asked me any day before today if I had feelings for Jane, my answer would have been a clear cut 'no.' But after what happened, I just…" Garrus shrugged lamely. "I just don't know."

"I guess that's fair," John said levelly. "And what if Jane doesn't know how she feels about you either?"

Garrus' mouth worked itself open and closed, though no words would come out. He'd sort of assumed Jane was only using him to forget about Kaidan. Jane having feelings for him hadn't occurred to him yet.

"If to her it was just a one night stand, then that's it," Garrus told John. "If she doesn't want to get serious then I won't push. But if Jane actually does feel something for me... well, you know me, John. I'm a disaster when it comes to relationships."

"Your biggest critic is yourself, Garrus," John told him. "To be honest I can't think of a guy for Jane to date that would make me feel any better than you."

Garrus nodded, but he was cut off when the two human women walked back into the kitchen. He noted Jane did indeed look much more put together than before. She flashed him a timid smile when they caught site of each other.

Ashley led her to entryway. "We'll be back in a little while, okay?"

"Don't rush on our account," John told them.

Just before following Ash out the door, Jane paused and turned back to Garrus, her hand resting on the door frame.

She looked uncharacteristically bashful as she said, "So, I've got a reservation for dinner for a fancy Italian place this Friday. I was gonna go with Kaidan, but it's pretty obvious that's not happening. So I was wondering, uh, if… you wanted to go with me?"

Garrus felt his hands go clammy around the bottle he was holding, and he was keenly aware of both John and Ashley looking at him expectantly.

Logically speaking Garrus should have said yes, to show John he could be accommodating to his sister's needs at a time like this. Then they'd go on the date, realized there was nothing between them, and part on amicable terms and hopefully remain friends.

But another part of Garrus wanted to say yes for reasons he didn't quite understand yet. Like he told John, he's always thought of Jane as an attractive person. And truth be told Garrus had always felt a little unsettled whenever John mentioned Jane's dating life. Was that jealousy he felt, that someone else had Jane? He'd always thought he was just being bitter about his own sorry excuse for a love life.

Before he spent too much time in his own head, Garrus answered, "I look forward to it." The triumphant grin that spread across Jane's face was enough to reassure him.

Wit that the two women were gone, and Garrus was once again alone with the man whose sister he very recently defiled. Garrus glanced at him hesitantly, hoping he hadn't made things worse.

John only sighed and took a drink of his beer. "Garrus, at this point I'm pretty sure you're either going to become my Brother-in-Law or give me an aneurysm. And frankly I can't decide which would be worse."

* * *

_Author's Note: This is what happens when I get stuck on Relationship Effect Part 3 but still want to write something corny and full of fluff._

_I regret nothing._


	8. The Audition: Part 1

Mass Effect is owned and operated by Bioware and Electronicmart

The Audition: Part 1

* * *

_Setting: A look at the behind-the-scenes of Sniper Buddies_

"Thank you both for showing up on such short notice," Shepard said as he leafed through pamphlets.

Thane Krios and the Geth mobile platform known as Legion stood in the center of the cargo bay of the _Normandy_. Neither of them appeared awkward given the situation, but then again neither of them looked very comfortable. Across the way Shepard, Ashley, and Garrus were seated behind a make shift desk, documents and data pads littering the surface.

"I do not really see how it is 'short notice,'" Thane pointed out. "The Author has been planning this chapter for quite some time, giving the five of us ample time to prepare ourselves."

"Well that's not important," Shepard dismissed. "What is important is why you both are here."

"As you know, The Author has the three of us as the center characters in his story 'Sniper Buddies.'" Ashley explained. "However, He informed us that He has come to realization the story is somewhat hypocritical, given the fact only three possible sniper rifle toting characters from the Mass Effect are being portrayed when there are actually five."

"Query," their automaton friend spoke up. "In the previous chapter codenamed, 'Of Siblings, Relationships, and Crappy Movies,' Jane Shepard, commonly referred to as 'FemShep,' also played a significant role. Female Shepards have equal aptitude to be sniper specialists as male Shepards, as per the player's choice."

"Eh, we're kinda using Male Shepard as a coverall for both genders," Garrus answered. "Which brings me to our next point: the Fanfiction title character slots. As is, there's only room for four names on the main screen, and Shepard, Ashley and I already fill up three of those slots. So, only one of you can be inducted into the Sniper Buddies stories. Thus the auditions."

"Specialist Traynor was featured in a chapter not too long ago," Thane pointed out. "I highly doubt she has the same level of sniper rifle training as any of us, much less serious combat training."

"Sam was just a means to an end," Ash elaborated. "The Author needed to get my perspective about the upcoming date between Garrus and I. Constant monologue would have been boring, and having Shepard act as a sympathetic ear to both of us would have been weird."

"By the way, when exactly is the next part coming out?" Garrus asked.

"Damned if I know," Shepard replied.

"We do not understand the organic fascination with writing fictional stories about published works," Legion wondered aloud.

"In any event, let's get on with the trials," Shepard announced. "First the three of us would like to ask a series of questions. You both can answer however you like."

"Very well."

"Affirmative."

Shepard picked up a data pad as he said, "Good. Now, first question: What is your preferred brand of sniper rifle?"

"Anti-Material Sniper Rifle model number M-98, designate: The Widow," Legion immediately offered. "Clip capacity: One. Firearm weight: 39 kilograms. Base projectile damage: 368.3 Newtons of force."

"Go big or go home, right?" Garrus asked his two compatriots with a grin.

"Legion, do you use the Widow in all situations?" Ashley asked. "Even when the amount of damage it puts out against a single target might be considered overkill?"

"Yes," Legion answered without hesitation.

Ashley and Shepard shared a skeptical look. "And Thane, what do you use?"

"While it does not have the same amount of sheer stopping power, I prefer to use the M-92 Mantis," Thane replied crisply. "Against weaker targets it still has high capability for a one-shot-kill, and I believe its lighter weight and easier maneuverability make up for its lower damage output. However, if I know I must resort to taking out multiple targets at once, I also like to use the M-13 Raptor."

"Both of those are pretty viable, and it allows for more adaptability," Garrus observed.

Ash gave an appreciative nod. "Alright, second question: Let's say The Author has the two of us go out on a date. What would you do to make me feel special?"

"Hydropormoffazine."

The three judges stared at Legion dumbly. "What?" Ashley asked.

"An aphrodisiac developed by Thessian Cosmetics," Legion elaborated. "In prototype trials it has shown to increase the arousal levels and hormone production of female sexual organs across all species with a 99.73% success rate."

The three judges continued to stare at the robot. "Legion, I'm pretty sure that might be considered date rape," Garrus said warily. "Although Geth don't really have a sex drive and you'd have no reason to take advantage of Ash, so I guess it's kind of a grey area."

"One moment please, searching Extranet for Mass Effect Fanfictions stories where Geth have sexual urge-"

"OKAY THANE SO WHAT ABOUT YOUR ANSWER?" Ashley cut in quickly, effectively cutting off the filter-less AI.

Thane stood there, unspeaking, for some time. "Um… do you like coffee?"

"I think that answers that question," Garrus butted in. "Anyway, question 3: You're infiltrating an enemy base, but for the pleasure of The Readers, you have to take them down in the most hilarious way possible. What do you do?"

Thane was speculative for a moment before answering, "I would infiltrate into their armory and relieve them of any explosive devices. After placing those in strategic positions, I would retreat to a safe position, where I would activate a command to start playing classical music through the speaker system which I had previously hacked. When the song reaches its crescendo, the explosive devices will go off in tune with the song."

Shepard nodded appreciatively. "V for Vendetta style. I like it! And Legion, what about you?"

The machine was uncharacteristically quiet for a long moment, and when it spoke it sounded almost hesitant.

"…By leaking Hydropormoffazine into the air filtration systems."

…

"Son of a bitch, I think that wins."

* * *

_Author's Note: Fourth Wall? Why sure I'd need that if I wanted to live in a house and not a garage!_

_AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_..._

_I'm so sorry._


	9. The Audition: Part 2

Mass Effect is owned and Operated by Bioware and Eeltronic Arts

The Audition – Part 2

* * *

The five of them, Legion, Thane, Shepard, Ashley and Garrus, were standing upon a rather high bluff. In the valley below them, an almost stupidly large encampment of pirates, bandits and mercenaries was set up like a small city. Oh, the perks that come with being a fanfiction writer and having the power to think up craziest situations possible.

"Alright," Shepard announced, "for the second part of the audition, we'll all be taking turns sniping at the Tangos down below in teams of two. However, the real goal of the exercise is to see how you two handle banter and general small talk whilst doing your jobs alongside us."

"Very Well."

"Acknowledged."

* * *

"Ha! You see those guys running around, Legion?"

"Affirmative, Shepard-Commander."

"Oh this is great! It's so easy to just pick them off- oh, alright, that one's yours then. Yup, nothing beats lining up on some poor sucker- oh, okay I'll let that one go. Seriously, these guys just give you all the time in the- come on now! That one was mine! Oh yeah, nothing like a good old- gah! _Legion!_"

"…Yes?"

"Stop being such a kill steal. I would like to at least _hit_ some of them before you blow their heads off."

* * *

"Wow, it's such a beautiful day out, don't you think, Thane? We really got lucky with the weather."

"I'm assuming you're asking that rhetorically, Chief Williams. If The Author so chose, we could have been doing this in the middle of hurricane with acid rain."

"Pfff. Mister Pessimist over here."

"A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist."

"Yeah, whatev- hey! That's my line! You can't just go using my material!"

* * *

"We have a query, Vakarian-Officer."

"Shoot, Legion."

…

"That was an idiom. I didn't literally mean fire your rifle into the ground. But what's your question, Legion?"

"We wonder as to why most other main characters within the Mass Effect franchise refer to you as 'Garrus, Lord of Calibrations' whenever you are not currently present."

"Whaaaaaat? They don't actually do that! Ha ha ha ha!"

…

"Do they?"

"The title is mentioned with 89.46% consistency whenever you are not present."

"…oh."

* * *

"So Thane, eidetic memory means you pretty much remember every moment of your life with absolute clarity, right?"

"You are correct, Shepard."

"Soooo got any… _steamy_ memories you like to fall back on?"

"I think I see what you mean. There is one woman actually, a human, with the Alliance. I remember my time with her… very fondly."

"Care to share?"

(Within a memory) "_Oh, Thane, you ride me a bucking bronco!"_

"Oh, this is certainly interesting."

"_Gods, Hannah, you are such a beautiful creature."_

"Yeah, that's what I'm talkin- wait, Hannah?"

"_Faster, Thane. We barely have an hour before my son John gets out of school! Oh!"_

"Sweet baby Jesus, Thane, stop! That's my mother you're talking about!"

"_Ugh, Thane, grab that ping pong paddle and smack my-!"_

"OH MY GOD I ATE OFF THAT PADDLE!"

* * *

"Being a sniper is a great gig, but all this laying around while we do the job isn't exactly comfortable."

"Geth do not process 'comfort-ability' the same way an organic would. Geth merely resolve to find the most optimal position available."

"Yeah, I get that. I like to go out for long jogs after missions like this. Helps to work out stiffness in the limbs."

"An understandable response. Jogging has also shown to help alleviate extra weight added on whilst immobile for such long periods of time. We have gathered that you have an above average mass for human women, Williams-Chief, and as such physical activities to maintain your stature are highly beneficial."

"Did… did you just call me fat?"

* * *

"So you've basically been at this ever since you were six?"

"That is correct, officer Vakarian. Although I do not regret my time spent with the Hanar. I may have dealt in bloody work, but I felt better knowing I was ridding the galaxy of unsavory individuals."

"I can respect that. And I know where you're coming from, sort of. My father basically groomed me for military service followed by C-Sec ever since I was a kid."

"I am taken to understand you do not have the best relationship with your father, much the same way I am with Kolyat. It is regrettable, but our line of work does not exactly foster healthy relationships."

"You don't have to tell me twice. But my dad and I are doing okay. Sure, I guess there was some stuff he did back in my childhood I never really forgave him for, but I got over it when I grew older and realized it wasn't a big deal."

"Really? Like what?"

"Oh, nothing major. Just… after I'd turned 14 he threw out most of my childhood toys. 'Not becoming of a real man' he'd told me. Sure it was a dick move, but I got over it."

"I see." (Sound of a pen being clicked) "And how did that make you feel?"

* * *

The Author very graciously provided with them a padded armchair and half couch when the auditions spiraled out of control. Thane sat in the armchair, legs crossed and jotting notes on pad of paper. A foot away, Garrus sat on the couch, bawling his eyes out into the small rag The Author had also written in when Garrus' face started becoming covered in tears and snot.

"It was _MY_ action figure, damnit!" Garrus sobbed. "I mean sure, it's not like I'd played with him a lot anymore. But Galvatoryx the First Turian Spectre was my favorite toy! Dad could've let me donate him or something. But nooooo! Mister Diehard Turian just went and chucked it into the trash! No warning! Just destroyed it like he destroyed everything else I loved!"

"It would seem your father has always been an obstructive force in your life, Garrus," Thane observed. "And how did your mother react to all of this?"

Of to the side, Shepard, Ashley and Legion stood watching the whole ordeal. Ash leaned toward Shepard and whispered, "I think this was a bad idea."

"We concur," Legion concurred.

Ash scowled at the automaton. "I wasn't talking to you."

"Williams-Chief, for the 43rd instance, we express our apologies for referring to you as obese."

"Hey Legion, do you see that big ass hole in your chest?"

"Yes."

"Do you want another one?"

"…No."


	10. Chekhov's Nose

Mass Effect is owned and operated by Bioware and Gesundheit Arts

Sniper Buddies – Chekhov's Nose

* * *

_Setting – Mass Effect 3_

"That went well, I think," Shepard commented to Ashley and Garrus as they rode in the Kodiak Shuttle. They had just gotten done with one of the many N7 missions Admiral Hackett habitually sent them on, because it wasn't like Shepard and his crew had anything better to do. Besides, it's not like Hackett literally has hundreds of thousands of N7 operatives ranging in species and skill sets at his disposal whom could get the job done just as well, provided the difficulty has been set to Bronze or Silver.

Now Shepard, Garrus and Ashley were relaxing in the Kodiak as Cortez piloted them back to the _Normandy_.

"You know, I've been wondering," Ashley prompted. "Cerberus is supposed to be a human splinter group, right? But somehow we're quite possibly mowing down hundreds of Cerberus soldiers on a weekly basis, and there's never a shortage of Cerberus goons for the next mission."

"So where the hell are they getting all of these people to work for them?" Garrus surmised from Ash's train of thought. "Seriously, Cerberus probably has more resources, wealth, and people than moderately sized planets. I think they might even have more troops than the Reapers do."

"Yeah what's up with that?" Shepard asked. "Plus keep in mind we've also encountered two Cerberus groups that actually splintered off from the main Cerberus army. Both of those groups were each large enough to completely occupy a small planet, and yet the Illusive Man still somehow controls an army larger than the entire population of China."

"Maybe the completely logical answer is that Cerberus… oh, hold up a second." Ashley paused for a moment, her features twitching oddly.

"I… huh… Ah-Choo!" She sniffled, wiping the back of her glove over her nose to get the little bits of mucus that had come flying out. "Aw, Christ. But yeah, what I think Cerberus is doing is-"

Ash had been fiddling with her gun while she talked, so she hadn't been watching Shepard and Garrus. However, the sounds of frantic scrambling caught her attention, so Ashley looked up as her words petered off.

Shepard and Garrus were both backed up against the far wall, trying to press themselves even closer to it. Both of them had horrified expressions on their faces, staring at Ashley with their hands clamped over their mouths and noses.

"What?" Ashley asked warily. She glanced around her seat and over her armor, wondering if she'd gotten something on her or if something had followed them onto the Kodiak. But she found nothing, and still the two men were staring at her in terror while trying to stay as far away from her as possible.

"You sneezed," Shepard gasped through his hand.

Ash glanced between him and Garrus. "Yeah? I must have gotten some dust up in there, or something. Why are you two acting so weird?"

"But… but this isn't real life!" Garrus wailed. "It's a FanFiction! Everyone knows no one ever sneezes in books or movies. Not unless they're sick with something really terrible!"

"Yeah, haven't you ever heard of the Chekhov's Gun TV trope?" demanded Shepard.

"I don't even though what that is and it sounds like some scary shit," Garrus chimed in.

Ash stared back them, mouth agape from shock. She knew Shepard and Garrus have always been easily excitable, but this was a whole new level of paranoia. "Are you two actually being serious? People have been sneezing for hundreds of thousands of years. Animals sneeze too. And 99% of the time, it's for perfectly innocent reasons."

She set her gun aside, and the movement caused the two men to jump, further trying to press themselves into the wall.

"Are you two seriously afraid-"

"Stay back!" Shepard yelled when Ashley tried to stand up. Ash scowled but sat back down in her seat. Thinking he was 'safe' for a moment, Shepard brought up his free hand to the one covering his mouth, so he could activate his Omni Tool without leaving his mouth exposed to whatever deadly contagions might be in the air.

The Kodiak was silent as everyone waited for the call to go through. After a moment, Ash heard Doctor Chakwas pick up. "Is there something you need Comma-"

"Code Periwinkle!" Shepard yelled into his Tool. "I repeat: we have a Code Periwinkle, Doctor Chakwas! Williams has been afflicted with some sort of alien contagion. Prep the shuttle bay for quarantine and have medical teams on standby!"

Again the hull was silent as Chakwas digested the information she'd just been given. "I see. Has Miss Williams been displaying any symptoms?"

"She sneezed!" Garrus added in helpfully.

"Ashley… sneezed," Chakwas said skeptically. "Has anything else happened? Is she flushed in the cheeks? Nauseous? Breaking out into a cold sweat?"

"Um…" Shepard took a moment to study Ashley from a distance. "Uh, she looks really angry. Is that a symptom?"

Ash heard the Doctor heave a long sigh on the other end of the connection. "Yes, although it is the symptom of something else entirely, pertaining to being stuck in a small ship with a couple of screwballs. Not the physical ailment variety."

Shepard and Garrus shared a look and seemed to relax a bit. "So… Ash isn't actually dying from a horrible disease?" Garrus asked pitifully.

"No," Chakwas said flatly.

"And we're not going to die because we've been in contact with her?" Shepard asked, giving the fuming Ashley a meek look.

"No. Yet again, Commander, your imagination has gotten the better of you. Garrus as well. Might I suggest you two watch a few less scary movies during your 'brodates'?"

The two of them shared a guilty look and removed their hands from their mouths. Ash leaned back in her seat, arms crossed and still giving them the stink eye.

"Is there something you two would like to say to Miss Williams now?" Chakwas prompted.

The pair were quiet for a moment. Garruss coughed into his fist awkwardly.

"Sorry for… thinking you were about to die and take us with you," Shepard mumbled.

"Yeah, sorry," added Garrus with a small nod.

Ash rolled her eyes. Finally the ship jerked to a stop as it docked back in the cargo bay. She stood up and slapped the door control to finally let her out of the room full of crazy people. Sharing one more guilty look, Garrus and Shepard picked up there things and followed along, tails between their legs.

Meanwhile, the creature living inside of Shepard's chest metaphorically wiped its brow in relief. Who knew Ashley Williams was allergic the chest bursting alien parasites?


	11. It's Cold Outside

Mass Effect is owned and operated by Bioware and Electronic Bells

It's Cold Outside

* * *

_Setting: Post Mass Effect 3. Earth, December 24__th_

"I really can't stay!" Ashley half-whined, pretending to struggle out of her boyfriend's arms.

"But it's cold outside, baby," Shepard retorted playfully. With a huff, Ash finally pulled herself out of Shepard's grasp and off the couch. Giving him a loving smile, Ash walked out of his spacious living room and into the adjoining kitchen to fetch her coat off the rack.

"I've got to go away," Ash told him sadly. "I'd hate to keep my family waiting up all night for me."

"Then just call them and let 'em know you're staying over with me tonight," Shepard offered as he trailed behind like the dopey eyed pup he was. "You heard the weather report. It's really cold out there tonight."

"In case you've forgotten, all the phones are down." With her wool cap situated, Ash walked back up to Shepard and looped her hands around his neck, bringing him down for a quick kiss. "I know we don't get a lot of time to spend together because of our jobs. But this evening has been… so very nice. And I'll see you again tomorrow when we all open gifts."

John winced at the contact of her hands, though it did little to abate his smile. "Jeeze, your hands are like ice. Here," Shepard took a hold of her smaller hands and incased them in his own. "Let me hold them and warm them up."

Shepard gave her an affectionate smile. "I've been hoping you'd drop by. Between your Spectre status and my new job as Councilor, I feel like we hardly get to see each other anymore. And that prevents me from showing just how much I love you." Which he emphasized with another meaningful kiss.

When she pulled back, Ash said, "I know you love me. You don't have to constantly remind me with all this sappy crap. And you know I love you with all my heart, right?"

"Of course." Shepard let go of her hands and gripped her supple waist, pulling her closer to him. "But I always like being reminded. So why don't you spend the night and show me again?"

Ash gave him a lopsided grin. "My mother will start to worry if I'm okay."

"You're a Spectre! You're trained to survive far worse than this. Come on, baby, what's your hurry?"

"The thought of Sarah pacing the floor, waiting for me. I promised her I'd help bake some cookies for tomorrow."

"Oh, that does sound lovely," Shepard commented idly as he worked Ashley's coat off her shoulders. "But do you want to know what's better than cookies? Curling up with the one you love and listening to the warm fireplace roar."

"You really don't know when to quit?" Ashley accused with a grin, only half-fighting to keep her coat on. "I really do have to scurry."

Shepard gave her a pining look. "Please, beautiful, I'm begging here! Don't hurry off so soon."

Seeing the way Shepard looked at her with such love and devotion, it made her heart melt. Giving him a coy look she said, "Well… maybe just half a drink more."

His grin was beyond triumphant. Shepard gave her a peck on the cheek and said, "Cue up some music while I pour us some glasses."

Ash gave him a smirk and walked over to the stereo. She turned it on and flipped to a station that was playing Christmas carols for the holidays. And one of her favorites was on! 'Honey, its Chilly Outdoors' by one of those Frank Sinatra sounding musicians from way back when.

A hand suddenly wormed it way around her waist again and Ash had to suppress a giggle when she felt Shepard's lips at the nape of her neck. "Your drink, Madame," he told her as he presented a sparkling glass of white wine. She took the glass and allowed herself to be dragged back down to the couch, where Shepard had her lean back against his broad chest.

"So what will the neighbors think?" Ash asked before taking a sip. She grimaced slightly, not expecting such a strong flavor. "Ooh, that's some strong stuff. You know, a mysterious looker walks into the human Councilor's vacation home, never to be seen again until tomorrow morning?"

"They're probably thinking of a hundred different ways to use it against me," Shepard replied, although it sounded like he couldn't care less. "Believe me, baby, it's bad out there in the political jungle."

Ash nodded and took another sip, already feeling lightheaded. "Say, what's in this drink? I may need a cab rather than drive myself home."

"There're no cabs to be had out there," Shepard told her. "Their base of operations got blanketed too."

"Well how convenient for you then," Ash said with a grin. She swiveled in his arms to lay her head against his shoulder and stare up at him lovingly.

Shepard caressed her cheek with his free hand, and Ash moaned silently at the touch. "Have I ever mentioned how your eyes are like starlight?"

Ash leaned into his warm hand. "I wish I knew how to break the spell you put over me."

"Even if you did, I know you'd never do it," Shepard opined. He paused and seemed to give Ash a once over. "Ash, you know I think your hair looks swell. Here, let me have that hat."

"What?" Before she could react, Shepard snatched the wool cap off her head. "No no no! Shepard, you give that back right now!" But twas all for not, as Shepard flung it away into the recesses of his house.

Only staring after her lost cap for a moment, Ash settled back onto Shepard and gave him a malign glare. "Oh come on, who wears hats indoors?" Shepard asked rhetorically. He leaned in and planted a kiss atop her head. "Besides, with every piece of clothing you relinquish, the more I can move in closer."

"You cheeky bastard," she accused with a grin. With a sigh she rested her head against his shoulder. "Well, at least I'm gonna say I tried to get away."

Shepard feigned a hurt look. "What's the sense in hurting my pride, darlin?"

"I really should have left when I had the chance," Ash joked. She planted a loving kiss on the cleft of his chin. "But I suppose there are worse alternatives than staying the night with you."

She got a got a big toothy grin in return. "Baby, don't you hold any doubt that this will be the best Christmas Eve ever." The pair of them moved closer together, eyes drifting shut. They leaned in, and Ashley could just barely taste the wine on her lover's lips as the song reached its crescendo…

And then the front door slammed opened, with a dual toned voice calling out, "Oh baby it's cold outside!"

Shepard and Ashley panicked, scrambling away from one another and just barely making sure their glasses of wine didn't spill over in their surprise. When they'd gotten situated on either end of the couch, they looked up to find Garrus walking into the living room, unraveling his scarf from around his neck.

"Merry Christ-Mass or whatever it's called," Garrus greeted cheerily as he walked in. "Oh hey Ash! I didn't know you'd be here too."

"What are _you_ doing here, Garrus?" Shepard wanted to know.

"My mission in the Terminus got canceled. Something about the mercs with the stolen warheads blowing themselves up." Garrus then proceeded to flop down onto the couch between the two humans, entirely relaxed and not at all aware of what he'd just interrupted. "So I figured I'd drop by my best buddy's house and spend a couple of human holidays with him. Seeing Ashley is a nice bonus as well!"

"You couldn't have called ahead? Or better yet, just go spend time with your own family?"

"The phones are down. And besides, from all the propaganda videos of me during the war, being all heroic and dashing, my family's sick of looking at my ugly mug. Their words, of course."

"Mine too," Ash muttered sourly, taking a liberal drink from her glass.

Garrus looked between his two human friends with a pining gaze. "I'm sorry, but am I interrupting something? We hardly see each other anymore, and I figured you guys would be happier to see me."

"We are happy to see you, buddy," Shepard placated. "It's just that we were kind of in the middle of…" He let the idea hang in the air and gestured to the room around them.

And as Garrus surveyed the room, the C-Sec portions of his mind started to kick in. He noted the glasses of wine in Shepard's and Ashley's hands. The flushed cheeks on their faces. The somewhat romantic Christ-Mass songs playing softly in the background. The lights turned down low with a fireplace warming the room. The fuzzy blankets perfect for snuggling. The platter of chocolate dipped strawberries on the coffee table.

All of these factoids combined into a single idea, and the realization of what he'd walked in on finally dawned upon Garrus Vakarian. "Oooooooooohhhhh," he moaned, not unlike a petulant pre-schooler who just realized painting the walls was not such a good idea as they previously thought.

"Yeah," Ashley agreed. "Oh."

Garrus wrung his hands together, practically chafing under the pointed looks the two humans were giving him. He'd have to play this right in order to come out of this situation on top, and Garrus Vakarian was galaxy renowned for being a smooth talker.

"Well, I think you guys are in luck!" Garrus announced with a smirk. "We all know what _might_ have happened without me showing up could be nowhere near as exciting as what _will_ happen now that I'm here!"

And so Garrus had two glasses of wine thrown in his party crashing face. And then he had to pay the dry cleaner's bill for the couch.

* * *

_**Author's Note: Happy/Merry Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa/Winter Solstice/New Years everyone! **_


End file.
